Is he a baby, or is he a big boy?

The answer is: He’s sort of both.

I’ve been struggling a bit lately with this issue: Wanting my son to grow up but not wanting to push him to adulthood too soon.

Every stage has been a bittersweet milestone. When he crawled, when he walked, and especially when he gave up nursing – I was of course thrilled to see him progress as a normal child should. But I was also quite sentimental regarding the fact that I would never have those moments with him again, and that these were all signs that he would not forever be the little babe in my arms, totally dependent on me. One day he will be 100% independent of me. And these are all just the very little steps along the way.

The milestone of the moment is The Pacifier. Ah, how he loves that thing. (And he can say the whole word, too – “Paceyfierrr”).

Initially against these things ( initially being before I had kids, back when I thought I knew everything), we first used one in the hospital when he got circumcised, because, my God…the poor boy was having his penis operated on and needed some comfort, and I couldn’t very well stick my boob in the bassinet while he was being cut (plus he may have bitten me!).

We continued to use it when we realized that Jude LOVED to suckle. He’s a powerful and strong sucker, and as I nursed, I needed relief. I loved nursing, but I just couldn’t do it 24/7, and believe me, he ALWAYS wanted to nurse.

It was fine when he was a baby, and I don’t think pacifiers are a bad thing at all anymore.

But now he’s 2. It feels like it is time to quit. The main reason being that he is in preschool. I don’t really mind that none of the other children in his class are using them. It’s more of a control thing – at home if he drops it or gets it dirty otherwise, we have like 20 backups. Plus, I pretty much see what he does with it at home. At school, God knows what happens to that thing. It’s just not sanitary. (the teachers at his school are great…but I don’t expect them to manage Jude’s pacifier the entire day…in fact, I think it’s just another hassle for them that I don’t wish them to have to deal with.)

Above and beyond that though, he just seems too old for it. He’s running around playing and talking as usual with “that thing” hanging out of his mouth. He’s not using it simply as nipple replacement anymore. Plus my instincts are telling me it’s time, and you know how right a mother’s instincts always are. :)

The catalyst for this was that the other day, he lost his pacifier at school, and was fine. He even napped without it. Hmmm.

So, we are on a de-pacifying plan at the moment. Right now, he is not using his pacifier at school at all. Last night, he got to have it when he got home (b/c I had promised). Tonight, he won’t get it until bedtime and then the same for the next few nights.

Saturday, we are “giving all of Jude’s pacifiers to the baby cows” at the dairy farm we’re going to. We love rituals, and so I’m making a ritual out of this. Jude himself demands that we call him a “big boy” now and NOT a baby. So I have been explaining to him that really, big boys do not use pacifiers. Max and Daniel and the other kids don’t use them, do they? (Those are the kids in his class...a little peer pressure there…) But it’s okay that babies use them. And the baby cows would love to have them.

So when we go visit the dairy farm, we will put all the pacifiers in a Ziploc bag, and I will have Jude give the pacifiers to the farmer for the baby cows (of course, I will explain this to the farmer and they will just throw them away obviously). In celebration of Jude being a big boy, we will go and buy a new toy for him.

He has been talking about this nonstop now, although he is still often sad about no pacifier. He doesn’t cry a holy hell fit though. He more just whine/cries, without tears. Until he gets distracted and then he’s okay.

Surprisingly though, and related to what I wrote in the opening paragraphs, it’s somehow sad for me, too.

1) I feel sort of guilty, although I know it’s the right thing to do. I feel sad that I’m making him sad. He loves his paci, and I’m taking it away. I sometimes think…why not just let him have it for as long as he wants it? I mean, all kids will eventually quit using them on their own. What reverses this thinking, aside from what I mentioned above, is that a) I just cannot accept him being 5 and still using one….and b) there is a very good chance that his teeth are going to get messed up if he continues.

2) It’s the letting go thing. I feel like I’m saying “YOU’RE NOT A BABY!!! GROW UP, DARN YOU!” like I’m in a rush or something. And it’s another milestone…he *will* be a big boy indeed after he gives away his pacifier. I am really losing my baby.

Of course, he is still in diapers, so he’s still got *some* baby qualities. :)

Although I expect some fuss and crying, especially at bedtime and in the middle of the night, I actually predict that this will go relatively smoothly. We are substituting his teddy bear has his comfort device, and we are making sure we pay lots of attention to him and comfort him ourselves, as well.

Because let’s face it, there were many times it was just easier to give him the paci than it was to take the time to pay a lot of attention to him. We of course pay PLENTY of attention to him, but we do also have a household to run and jobs to go to. While he is being weaned, the household stuff may have to wait, and I have asked Matt to help as far as making sure we really play with Jude after work until he gets used to no paci.

Now, getting him out of our bed will probably not go quite as smoothly. And it’s actually going to be particularly difficult for me, emotionally speaking. Also, I’m not even convinced that it’s bad for him to sleep with us…

I’ll worry about that later. One “Baby Vs. Big Boy Milestone” at a time…

Talking Fool!

Goodness gracious, why can't I keep up with this thing? Oh, I know why....I have 23 month year old and a full time job! Time goes so fast though. For we adults - from one year to the next = no really big changes (if we're lucky). For babies/toddlers/kids - a year makes a world of difference (if we're lucky).

As you can imagine, Jude continues to grow fast, and to amaze us daily. I just had a week off of work to be with him, because daycare was closed. It was a glorious week. Really, he is a good little boy and causes me very few problems.

Here is what we did:

Monday - Matt was off work, too, and so we all went to Once Upon A Child and then to the fruit/veggie market. I guess none of that is very exciting, heh. I think we took a family walk, as well. I'm starting to lose my memory! Good thing I'm writing it all down now! We were going to do something "more exciting" - an amusement park or whatever, but it was Matt's last day of vacation, and we had been on the go for a month or more, so we wanted to make sure he actually had a day of nothing. Going on trips is fun, but not always exactly relaxing.

Tuesday - Took Jude to work - to my current building, to the building where I used to work, and my mom's building. He was the hit of all three buildings. A little shy at first, but he warmed up pretty quickly. He was exhausted afterwards, fell asleep in the car, and didn't wake up until 3 hours later.

Wednesday - Went to a local park and walked on a paved trail (well, he rode in the stroller). There are lots of pretty flowers and lots of ducks, and so he enjoyed seeing those.

Thursday - Went to the mall. We shopped for a bit (and he was quite patient), but he also got to play in the little play area they have there (and it's funny...when he's ready to go, instead of coming to me, he just starts to leave! I have to chase him down in a "new mommy don't let the bad guys steal my baby at the mall" way), and also rode on the mini-Merry-Go-Round. As he was going round and round, I saw the sign that said "for 3-10 year olds only". Oops. But he did fine (although he did sorta want to get out before it completely stopped). (also...I seriously doubt a 10 year old would have any interest in it - heh). Also went to the car wash but he missed all the excitement there b/c he fell asleep.

Friday - Went to my grandma's 80th birthday party. He was a hit there, too, and had fun with the kids. He seems to like older kids a little more than he does kids his age. He'll sorta play along side kids his age, but he isn't excited to see them and doesn't have a lot of interest. He particularly liked my 8 year old cousin, who sorta took Jude under his wing. It was really cute to watch Jude follow him around, heh.

Saturday - Went to see Matt's 87 year old grandma who lives across the state, almost to Ohio, and is Matt's dad's mom; we unfortunately don't see Matt's dad's side often b/c Matt's parents are divorced, and his dad's side lives in a town we don't frequent. I'm trying to make it a point of seeing Matt's grandma more, at least, b/c I feel it's important to see her. She is doing great, btw. You wouldn't believe she is almost 90 - she is very healthy both mentally and physically! (I mean she's a little slow physically, but no different than your average 70 year old). I was glad she got to see Jude. He was very well behaved, and he let her hold him and everything. He did start to get a little bored there, though, being cooped up in Great Grandma's house. I remember getting bored at my own great-grandparents' house when I was little. God love them, but there just wasn't much to do there, and everyone just sat around and talked. :)

Sunday - Spent our last day together playing and swimming in our baby pool.



Today - it was harder than heck for me to take him back to daycare. I could so be a stay at home mom. Actually, the ideal for me would be part-time...a little work would still be good, but a lot more Jude time would be better! Alas...I don't think we can afford it (if we want to maintain our current lifestyle, which is by no means ritzy, btw). I have got to start on that free lance writing I want to do! My own hours, and just write a few things here and there when I can.

Jude did okay though, at daycare today. But...he did want me to stay and play. He didn't cry, but he wasn't overjoyed, either.

That's one of his big things to say now: "Play! Play!" He loves us to play with him. Non-stop. It's kinda hard! LOL. And if you try to watch TV or do anything else when you are supposed to be playing with him, he totally call you out on it.

The other big issue that has come up lately is the Daycare Dilemma. He is in an in-home daycare right now. We had the chance to enroll him in a couple of different preschools where openings came up. But after much research and soul-searching, we decided to wait another year.

The reasons for this are long and I could list them out, but the end result is we're staying with the in-home place, as I said. I am 90% confident we made the right decision, but you just never know, you know? I *hope* we made the right choice, at least. It was a stressful process...and such a hard choice. I thought I knew everything before I had children. But it's not just a logical decision (not for women anyway). There is a lot of psychology and emotions involved. I'm sure other mothers would understand. You just want the best for your kids, and you don't always know 100% what the best decision will be. You go with your gut and some knowledge and research and hope you are doing the right things. All I can do now is to trust our decision, stick with it, and stop worrying about it and whether I should have done something else.

And now...we have a whole year to research other preschool options. We kind of felt rushed before, so this is better.

Back to this post's topic, as I am obvious rambling:

Jude is a Talking Fool! At least compared to what he was before! Maybe other kids his age are talking more...I don't know. But I've decided to quit worrying about other kids so much. I think he is doing great.

Everything I have worried about thus far has not happened - in this case - Will Jude Ever Talk? Well..of course he will. He was kind of quiet at first, but the last few months, he has really picked it up! His big thing is to repeat the last 2 or 3 words of everything we say (so we have to be careful - heh!). So if we say, "that's apple juice, baby", he'll say, "apple juice baby" - heh. Of course, he is still learning how to pronounce letters and words. Sometimes he is very clear. Other times not. Sometimes, I am sure that only Matt & I would know what he was saying. Still other times, *we* don't even understand him. I try really hard to get what he's saying and not to give up b/c I know how frustrating it is for toddlers to not be understood or heard.

A challenge for me is to not repeat things back to him in baby talk. So you know he doesn't say things right sometimes, but it's cute, so I tend to want to repeat them back to him the same way. Like when he wants us to play, he actually says "pay! pay" (gee - that sounds familiar, and will be what he actually means when he's a teen!)...and I want to say "okay, I'll pay"...but you know it teaches him nothing to say the word back to him incorrectly.

I'll try to think of some of the cute things he's doing and saying as of today:

1. Of course the "Play play!" thing, as I mentioned before. His favorite things to play with are blocks and puzzles, and a V-tech train/animal set he has.

2. He is still obsessed with Dora, and can say her name quite well (almost with the rolling of the r!), and knows all the characters. He can solve all the puzzles on the show, and is really quick about it. I *think* he may just be starting to tire of Dora...thank goodness, b/c I know we are!

3. He asks for the following - a lot: "snack" "ice" "choc milk" "pa" (pacifier), "juice"

4. His usual meals if he won't eat what we're having, which is usually the case: Dora soup or Dora pasta or spaghetti o's, YoBaby yogurt, crackers, cheese, fruit, bread and butter, anything with jelly on it. He will eat pasta most of the time, but is picky about veggies and meat. He does like pizza, of course.

5. LOVES chocolate milk and smoothies and popsicles and candy, like any typical kid.

6. He knows who Matt and Karla are, heh, and will sometimes refer to us as Matt and Karla, but still uses Mama and Dada most of the time.

7. He is very kissable and huggable, although he has his defying moments. He is very empathetic though, and will go so far as to kiss and hug all of his stuffed animals. He gets worried about his Tickle Me Elmo when Elmo starts having the tickle fit, and he will hug it and say "awww".

8. Is mysteriously scared of some things: a picture of a beetle in one of his books; the doorbell; the dog barking too much; haircuts. And he still hates getting his nails clipped.

9. Likes to try and tickle people. He'll say "tickle tickle" and "get you", heh. He also loves to hide, and we make attempts at hide and go seek. The attempts are sweet to us, but would frustrate your average 10 year old.

10. We have also started playing Candy Land. Again, a very primitive attempt, but he will ask to play it. Sounds like "Care Bear" when he asks to play it. At this point, it's nice b/c he does not care who wins or loses!

11. Will pretend talk on his toy cellphone (or any phone) - heh

12. He has answered our land line phone at least 3 times! It's hilarious. I won't hear it ring for whatever reason, and the next thing I know, he's got the phone in his hand and is giving it to me. I notice the light is on, and I say "....Hello..." and someone's on the line! Heh. They call us, and Jude answers. Funny.

13. If he is talking to Nana or someone he knows on the phone, and it's time to say good-bye, he will kiss and hug the phone. :)

14. He is making great attempts at counting, and does really well! He can also say many Spanish words b/c of Dora, especially "abre" (open) and "estrella" (star).

15. When we arrive at any destination in the car, he exclaims "HERE!" as in "we're here". Sometimes, we are just at a red light.

16. You know, he does not throw too bad of tantrums (yet) and is overall a good kid. A real sweetheart.

The few times, very few times, that we've had to seriously reprimand him, it hurts his feelings so badly...you would think we've actually hit him (which we never have)! It's heartbreaking.

Sometimes we have to get serious though. The things he does that are bad: Hits us or the animals, pulls the animals' tails or sits on the animals, stands up and/or climbs on the couch. It's not very often or anything, but we do have to seriously tell him to stop.

The thing is, at this age, it's still tricky. I don't think he *quite* understand the scope of hitting and the damage done there...and he's still experimenting. At the same time, he knows he's not supposed to do it. I know he doesn't *quite* get it though by the way he reacts when we tell him no. He's hit me smack in the face before, and I get very serious and tell him no that that isn't nice. I can tell afterwards that he wasn't trying to hurt me. Still...he will use that crying like he's severely hurt tactic a lot after he realizes that *I* will react by saying I'm sorry and hugging him....so sometimes you sorta have to ignore the hurt/crying thing or you will never get anywhere with teaching him things. He doesn't quite understand that we are telling him, for instance, to not stand on the couch, b/c he could really hurt himself, not just to be mean. It's all very tricky, as I said.

We do try to remember to say please and thank you to him when asking him to do things, instead of just barking orders all day long.

The best bet I believe at this age is still to redirect his attention after saying "no", instead of trying to battle it out with him.

17. He fully understands the meaning of "mine" and says it a lot. Also, if you are sitting in "his chair" (he has is own little chair), he will tell you to "get out". He also tries to take your seat if you get up. All of these sound bratty, but so far, he is good-hearted about it. It's really cute, and he's giggling and stuff. After all, I sit in his chair to tease him. And when he takes my seat, I pretend sit on him, which makes him laugh hysterically, and when you ask him to "scooch over", he does it and doesn't fight you.

18. I don't know why, but we've taught him to say "mama, dada, BIG BUTT! Jude, little butt" which is derived from "Mommy and Daddy have big ol' butts!! Jude has a little butt!" and which point we try to get him and his little butt. It's way cuter when you see him saying all this, btw.

19. Enjoys getting body slams from daddy. Some kinda rough-housing game the boys play. :)

20. Will exclaim "no no no, [insert appropriate name of person he's mad at]" and point his finger if he doesn't like what you just did. This goes for the cats and the dog, too.

UPDATES BASED ON THE POST FROM LAST TIME:

- Has fully mastered the up and down motion of nodding "yes".

- Still waiting on one last tooth to push its way through.

- Still not ready for the potty, although he's starting to show the very beginning signs of readiness - like he will now actually tell us when he has a poopy diaper, and will *usually* tell us the truth about it when we ask him. We bought him his own potty a few weeks ago, but he hasn't used it, although he'll sit on it and "grunt" - ha. We are waiting until he's about 2.5 yrs to seriously think about starting on it, unless he seems ready sooner, of course.

- Something that changed immediately after I wrote that last post - he hardly ever sleeps in his own bed now, alas. It's a sticky topic. We love him in our bed, but know it's important for him to sleep alone, too. We're not very consistent. We did convert his crib to a toddler bed though, and he does like it.

Currently, he sleeps in our bed most nights. Some nights, we put him in his bed first, but he almost always ends up in ours. It takes a lot longer to get him to sleep in his bed, and with both of us working full time, we don't always have the energy to spend an hour putting him to bed.

I don't have it in me to let him "cry it out", either. At this point, he screams "mommy! Mommy!" and sobs and cries (he just doesn't cry like an infant would - just crying at whatever. It is very pointed!). And not in a spoiled brat way, but in a pathetic way. I'm not letting him cry all night like that. Sorry. I tried for 45 minutes one time and it sucked. By the time I got him, he was shaking and very upset.

You know, he did spend the night at his Grandma's house though in Fort Wayne, and he did fine! He slept all night in his own bed for three nights! So...he knows what to do, but he wants to be with us I suppose, if he knows we are there.

The nights we were at Grandma's, too - his bed is in the bedroom we sleep in - and he would wake up a couple of times and I'd shush him and tell him we were still here, and he'd go back to sleep in his own bed. The problem at our house is that our bedroom is downstairs while his his upstairs. So far away for him. Will be good when he is a teen, but neither one of us like it now (what if there is a tornado, or a fire, and I have to go all the way up there to get him? Silly? Unfounded? But still..what if? So far away...)

- He now calls "mama" his "pa", pronounced the way you pronounce the p-a in pacifier. We're slowly starting to wean him off of it. Goal is to have him quit using it by the time he is 3. Again, still not overly worried about it really. Although I'm a bit concerned about his reliance on it and too old of an age, I find right now that if he has it, he's not putting other foreign objects in his mouth. He wants to chew on toys if he doesn't have his pacifier. May be the teething.

- He counts to eleven now, although he messes up sometimes (always skips seven). And he's basically just reciting, not actually counting. Still doesn't understand "how many" most of the time, but I still think it's great that he can say the numbers mostly in order.

- He knows red, green, purple, pink, black, brown, blue, yellow, orange. Knows square and triangle and circle, too.

- He likes me to sing "Little Boxes" now.

- He sits in a booster seat now.

- Still taking a one 2-4 hour nap daily.

- Again with jinxing myself - after I wrote that last post saying he never gets sick, within days he puked all over himself in his crib. but (dare I say it?) he hasn't been sick since. Not even any real teething issues. Still no ear infections.

- Eczema is still an issue, and unfortunately, it did not clear up this summer like it did last summer. He gets it badly on the backs of his knees, and on his elbows, and behind his ears. It's frustrating - we get a prescription cortisone cream that you can only use for 7 days. So we'll put it on, and it immediately clears up. Good, right? But after the 7 days usage, on the 8th day, it flairs right back up! We are experimenting with different moisturizers, too. Some have suggested food allergies or other allergens, but I don't even know where to start with that - there are so many possibilities, and no one really knows what causes eczema in most people. It could be mostly genetics. I'm going to talk to the doctor about it at his 2 year appt next month.

- We bought him a tricycle at a yard sale, but he cannot properly ride it yet. He tries though. Gravity helps. :) He gets pretty frustrated though on level ground. Can't quite peddle yet. He gets the gist...but isn't strong enough to make it go. He'll get it.

It's like you know how something feels hard to do, but once you get past the initial pull or push, it's easy? Like the first time I tried to shoot a bow and arrow in gym class (they let us do this back in 1987! - it was very cool), I could not pull the string back, as the resistance in those things is strong. I wasn't sure if I'd ever do it. But once you get past the initial what seems to be tough resistance, you can indeed pull it back. Just like the refrigerator door Jude just figured out. He could not pull that sucker open, cuz it feels stuck at first to his little arms. But now, he's figured out that he can indeed open it. Same with the bathtub drain stopper (for Jude)...just takes a little push past the initial resistance.

I think it'll be the same for the tricycle. :)


I know that's a lot. Hopefully I'll update again before next year. :)

DAAAANG....Mama!!!

It's been way too long since my mama posted. She thinks she's all busy and stuff. So I will give an update all by myself.

1. I am the cutest little baby, a-hem, I mean TODDLER, in the world. Growing too fast, so everyone tells me.

2. I say lots and lots of words now, NO being the word I prefer to use the most. I also like saying GO while leading my mama and daddy by the hand, to get more food usually. Luckily, I also say "YEAH!", and I can even shake my head in the "yes" motion....but it normally turns out to be a whole body nod yes.

3. I have become a picky eater. I don't like hardly anything my mama puts down in front of me, and I say no and shove it away, or throw it if she doesn't catch it in time. Cereal, yogurt, and any kind of fruit are all I will eat consistently. I've decided vegetables are for rabbits.

4. I have almost all my teeth except for four. The "eye teeth" or whatever. I think those are coming in though b/c I've had some minor teething issues.

5. I am not potty trained. I am nowhere close to being ready, so don't even think about it. On that topic, mama thought I would have semi-solid poopys by now, but I seem to have an awful lot of runny ones and some are all out diarrhea when I don't appear to be sick in any other way. What's up with that?

6. I am still in my crib. No real hurry to get out of that either, as I have not figured out how to climb out yet. I do sleep all night though 95% of the time. The few nights I don't, it's usually early morning, like 5 a.m., and I just had a bad dream or last my pacifier, and want to come to bed with Mama and Dada. They always let me, and I go right back to sleep. Also, I go right to sleep when Mama puts me down at night. No crying or fussing about it. I may change my mind about that in a few months. I do have a few stipulations though for being put to bed: It must be Mama if she's there, she must read 2-3 books that I pick out, we have to turn on my starry turtle night light, and then we have to turn on my aquarium music box thingy. Then I'm good to go.

7. I call my pacifier "mama", much to Mama's dismay. Must be some sort of nipple confusion. Mama isn't really pushing me to stop using the "mama" yet. I think Daddy's in a bigger hurry, as he keeps taking it away from me.

8. I can almost count to three, and I know the colors red and green. I can put simple puzzles together and I can color. I can also break crayons in half. Oh, and I can show you how old I am (and never mind that if someone asks me "how many..." of anything, I always put up one finger).

9. I am a great climber.

10. Dora is my girlfriend. Diego is my buddy.

11. My relationship with the Backyardigans is on again off again.

12. I probably watch too much TV. That stuff is addicting!

13. I LOVE to go outside.

14. My favorite songs of this moment are "There was an Old Lady..." and "There's a Hole in the bottom of the sea.." and believe it or not "Hey Jude". :) I'm not digging Old McDonald at the moment and I yell "NO!" when Mommy tries to sing it. I know how to play "ring around the rosie", which when you think about it, it's a creepy song.

15. I no longer like to sit in my high chair really, so Mama and Dada took the tray off, lowered the high chair, and simply push me up to the big table. I's gots to be part of the family.

16. I can use a straw, and I can use a spoon all by myself. I also toast with my sippy cup and say "cheers!".

17. I also brush my teeth (with just a little help).

18. I'm a little shy around new people and situations, but you'd be amazed how quickly I learn names (though I typically just point at the right people when asked as opposed to actually saying the new names).

19. I'd rather go to Nana's than to daycare, although daycare is okay.

20. I HATE getting my nails clipped, and I run as soon as I see the clippers. But once Mama catches me, I sit still as Mama (always Mama, too) clips them. I just cry and cry...

21. I love being naked. It's funny! And I like to act like a wild man!

22. I take one 2-4 hour nap every day.

23. I have never had an ear infection, and I haven't been really sick in over a year. A couple of very mild colds, and that's it.

24. I do get eczema pretty bad in the winter though...on my scalp, my elbows and knees. That itches, and if left to my own devices, I'll scratch the itchy parts until they bleed (which is probably why Mama clips my nails all the time).

25. I am generally a good-natured kid and easy to take care of. My parents can take me anywhere. They've never had it so good, with a kid like me. ;-)