Is he a baby, or is he a big boy?

The answer is: He’s sort of both.

I’ve been struggling a bit lately with this issue: Wanting my son to grow up but not wanting to push him to adulthood too soon.

Every stage has been a bittersweet milestone. When he crawled, when he walked, and especially when he gave up nursing – I was of course thrilled to see him progress as a normal child should. But I was also quite sentimental regarding the fact that I would never have those moments with him again, and that these were all signs that he would not forever be the little babe in my arms, totally dependent on me. One day he will be 100% independent of me. And these are all just the very little steps along the way.

The milestone of the moment is The Pacifier. Ah, how he loves that thing. (And he can say the whole word, too – “Paceyfierrr”).

Initially against these things ( initially being before I had kids, back when I thought I knew everything), we first used one in the hospital when he got circumcised, because, my God…the poor boy was having his penis operated on and needed some comfort, and I couldn’t very well stick my boob in the bassinet while he was being cut (plus he may have bitten me!).

We continued to use it when we realized that Jude LOVED to suckle. He’s a powerful and strong sucker, and as I nursed, I needed relief. I loved nursing, but I just couldn’t do it 24/7, and believe me, he ALWAYS wanted to nurse.

It was fine when he was a baby, and I don’t think pacifiers are a bad thing at all anymore.

But now he’s 2. It feels like it is time to quit. The main reason being that he is in preschool. I don’t really mind that none of the other children in his class are using them. It’s more of a control thing – at home if he drops it or gets it dirty otherwise, we have like 20 backups. Plus, I pretty much see what he does with it at home. At school, God knows what happens to that thing. It’s just not sanitary. (the teachers at his school are great…but I don’t expect them to manage Jude’s pacifier the entire day…in fact, I think it’s just another hassle for them that I don’t wish them to have to deal with.)

Above and beyond that though, he just seems too old for it. He’s running around playing and talking as usual with “that thing” hanging out of his mouth. He’s not using it simply as nipple replacement anymore. Plus my instincts are telling me it’s time, and you know how right a mother’s instincts always are. :)

The catalyst for this was that the other day, he lost his pacifier at school, and was fine. He even napped without it. Hmmm.

So, we are on a de-pacifying plan at the moment. Right now, he is not using his pacifier at school at all. Last night, he got to have it when he got home (b/c I had promised). Tonight, he won’t get it until bedtime and then the same for the next few nights.

Saturday, we are “giving all of Jude’s pacifiers to the baby cows” at the dairy farm we’re going to. We love rituals, and so I’m making a ritual out of this. Jude himself demands that we call him a “big boy” now and NOT a baby. So I have been explaining to him that really, big boys do not use pacifiers. Max and Daniel and the other kids don’t use them, do they? (Those are the kids in his class...a little peer pressure there…) But it’s okay that babies use them. And the baby cows would love to have them.

So when we go visit the dairy farm, we will put all the pacifiers in a Ziploc bag, and I will have Jude give the pacifiers to the farmer for the baby cows (of course, I will explain this to the farmer and they will just throw them away obviously). In celebration of Jude being a big boy, we will go and buy a new toy for him.

He has been talking about this nonstop now, although he is still often sad about no pacifier. He doesn’t cry a holy hell fit though. He more just whine/cries, without tears. Until he gets distracted and then he’s okay.

Surprisingly though, and related to what I wrote in the opening paragraphs, it’s somehow sad for me, too.

1) I feel sort of guilty, although I know it’s the right thing to do. I feel sad that I’m making him sad. He loves his paci, and I’m taking it away. I sometimes think…why not just let him have it for as long as he wants it? I mean, all kids will eventually quit using them on their own. What reverses this thinking, aside from what I mentioned above, is that a) I just cannot accept him being 5 and still using one….and b) there is a very good chance that his teeth are going to get messed up if he continues.

2) It’s the letting go thing. I feel like I’m saying “YOU’RE NOT A BABY!!! GROW UP, DARN YOU!” like I’m in a rush or something. And it’s another milestone…he *will* be a big boy indeed after he gives away his pacifier. I am really losing my baby.

Of course, he is still in diapers, so he’s still got *some* baby qualities. :)

Although I expect some fuss and crying, especially at bedtime and in the middle of the night, I actually predict that this will go relatively smoothly. We are substituting his teddy bear has his comfort device, and we are making sure we pay lots of attention to him and comfort him ourselves, as well.

Because let’s face it, there were many times it was just easier to give him the paci than it was to take the time to pay a lot of attention to him. We of course pay PLENTY of attention to him, but we do also have a household to run and jobs to go to. While he is being weaned, the household stuff may have to wait, and I have asked Matt to help as far as making sure we really play with Jude after work until he gets used to no paci.

Now, getting him out of our bed will probably not go quite as smoothly. And it’s actually going to be particularly difficult for me, emotionally speaking. Also, I’m not even convinced that it’s bad for him to sleep with us…

I’ll worry about that later. One “Baby Vs. Big Boy Milestone” at a time…